Sunday, March 11, 2007

OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO! OH, NO!

Two minutes ago, I deleted an astrological chain email Kirsten sent me (pasted below). I'll be honest...here were some of the stream-of-consciousness thoughts I had while scanning it from top to bottom (including the vulgarities…sorry…):

Astrology…what a load of crap. Just because KAREN the Scorpio is adorable doesn't mean every person born at that time of year is adorable. Remember all those babies around Bethany in the Hendrick Hospital window? There's no way they ALL share the same physical or personality traits...some were irritable and screaming while others (like Bethany) seemed pretty blissed out...
I’ll bet people who share birthdays with Hitler and Michael Jackson and Ann Coulter would beg to differ that astrological star charts have *nothing* to do with your personality.

Oh, wait...but Russell, the other Scorpio in the family, is adorable, too. Oh, good grief...that's exactly how these astrological readings scam people...you read them through subjective eyes.




Oh, check this out...here's Aries. The LIAR? Ha! My dad is so honest he makes Abe Lincoln look like a Clinton. How can anyone buy this line of baloney?

Hey, what’s Mom? Aquarius? Oh, big shock…she’s an “attractive” person and a “great kisser” who loves being in “long-term” relationships.

(Notice how EVERYONE just *LOVES* being in relationships. Duh.)

Of course, we're ALL above-average kissers. Disregard the rules of mathematics and percentages! Notice how not one of these says "Terrible kissers; should end dates with handshakes or hugs."

Hold on, did someone just call Cancer a "freak"? Wasn't this supposedly written 35 years ago? Ha. What a crock of...oh, okay, here we go...according to the subject line of this email, Kirsten's apparently a Pisces. Let's see what they have to say.

Huh. Actually...Kirsten’s sounds about right, especially the part about getting what she wants and "weird, but in a good way." She IS caring and kind and smart and thoughtful. She does like having the last word, but then again, who doesn’t? Loves to joke, for sure! Yeah, okay…hers is pretty much dead on.

Hey, Capricorn is next. Let's see what they say about Jesus. “Sassy?” “Loves to bust?” (What in the world does that even mean? Loves to bust the chops of hypocrites like the Pharisees? Loves to bust greedy money-changers’ tables and dove cages?)

“Predict the future?” Well, at least they got ONE right. He KNOWS the future!!! AND the past AND the secrets of the universe AND the depth of the oceans. Omniscient AND eternal!

Oh, lookie here. Sagittarius is the last one on the list. Let’s see what they say about me. Promiscuous? WHAT??!!

And I want to be in “long relationships,” too? Long, promiscuous relationships? In a long relationship while being promiscuous? I’m supposedly “amazing in the you know where…”??????

The library? Am I amazing in the kitchen?

DELETE!!! DELETE!!! What a crock of poo!


Hold on a sec…Kirsten’s a Pisces? What time of year is that? Um…oh, dear. She’s going to Austin to celebrate her birthday. Oh, no. That’s THIS week!!! ARGH! The email from Sandra with the exact date is in the Inbox of the old, broken computer!

Don't panic, don't panic…please, please, PLEASE tell me that I haven’t missed her birthday!!!! With all of the craziness last week, I didn’t think of anything except that stupid, stupid Distance Learning Cart and bridges and directories and cables and remotes and missing keys and adaptors and non-consortium fees and…OH, NO! OH, NO! I JUST MISSED KIRSTEN’S BIRTHDAY!!!

So…HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Kirsten, from the world’s worst friend. You’ll be getting your present when we go try the new Abilene Beehive. I’ll meet you there, covered in Ribbons of Shame…



***Bring on the baloney! The email that started it all...***

Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below aretrue descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35years ago by an astrologist predictions. Read your sign, then forwarditon, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line, This is realdeal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse fromthere.

VIRGO - The One that Waits Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wantsthe last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everythingyou ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 years of bad luckif you do not forward.

SCORPIO - The Addict EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense ofhumor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what theywant. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships.Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do notforward.

LIBRA - The Lame One Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, funand sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will evermeet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u mightend up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

ARIES - The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellentkisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16years of bad luck if you do not forward.

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being inlong-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Willexceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lightsout. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward

GEMINI - Irresistible Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you knowwhere... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOSTIRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward

LEO - The Lion Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to havefun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable.Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being inlong relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find.Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CANCER - The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Veryromantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative.Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great tellingstories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comesdown to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if youdo not forward.

PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the lastword. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around.Extremely weird butin a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what heor she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Alwaysgets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you donot forward.

TAURUS - The Tramp Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a goodfight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people intimes of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caringperson. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractivepeople on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves beingin long relationships. So much love to give.Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyoneThey meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have ownunique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in theyou know where..!!!Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying. 4years of bad luck if you do not forward.

3 comments:

Kirsten said...

Okay, you have not missed my birthday, it's tomorrow when we take the dogs for my birthday stroll LOL!
Had I not send you the email you would not have had anything to write about in your blog :-)
So, I don't believe in 'signs' but it is kind of fun how we can find some things that hit the nail on the head in this astrological signs! And I don't read the daily horoscope to see what my future holds, as I am never going to do what is in the plans :-)

bo_berrin said...

"Not one to mess with."

They got this part right. I learned this about my sister from the inside of a footlocker.

"Nice to everyone they meet."

She did read to me while I was in there, so that was kinda nice of her.

"Their Love is one of a kind."

Thank goodness!

"Amazing in theyou know where..!!!"

The laundry room. Her intimidation and ninja-like speed had me stumbling out in a daze after a silent beating.

"Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying."

Or on all fours, giving a "horsey ride" back and forth between the living room furniture until you crumble, only to be tickled until you promise to continue her ride.

All kidding aside, now, when I say that the zodiac is a load of manure, but they accidentally got it right when they said Kristy was "Rare to find. Great when found." She's the best sister in the world! (Now that we're all grown up, that is.) ;-)

mad4books said...

You made me lol..even though you are clearly the pititful victim of Faulty Memory.

I locked you in a footlocker? (And then *read* to you?) Oh, come on!

Ninja-like speed? Ha!

You are the best sister on the planet, your kids are sweet & amazing...and I'll never hold these fantastic flights of fancy you call "memories" against you.